I dont know how you do it

“I dont know how you do it.” I hear that so often it makes me want to scream. I know, most of the time, when people say it, that its meant to be encouraging. Its a form of praise, wow you are doing something that I couldnt! But it still annoys me to no end.  I stay at home with 2 very rowdy little boys, I have a constant level of pain most people could not imagine and Im always on my hustle. I do do a lot and for the most part, I do it well. I dont need people to point that out. Actually, what I need is for people to start THINKING before SPEAKING ! My children are always fed, bathed and nurtured. They want for nothing. I have a successful eBay store and I source content for 3 other websites. My house is always clean and the laundry is always done. 5 out of 7 nights a week I have a wonderful dinner full of wholesome ingredients prepared for my family. Very rarely do I let the pain stop me. There are times when I cant do it. When the pain is just too much that I have to stop for a few minutes. I have to take the time to regroup and regather before I can press on. In the end, it all gets done, sometimes it just takes me a little longer than others. When I hear someone say “I dont know how you do it…” I want to respond in a very blunt , yet honest tone “What option do I have?!?”...

Learn to live with a broken heart

This weekend, everyone in the DFW area was shocked to learn that long time radio DJ Kidd Kraddick had died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. Whether you enjoyed the show or  not you knew who he was and all about his Kidds Kid charity. There are always so many questions when a seemingly healthy person dies so suddenly. Although the cause of death has been confirmed it doesnt take anyway any of the shock. Listening to his co-workers talk about losing him , on the air this morning, brought me back to unresolved feelings I have from similar situations.  Even at a relatively young age I have lost several people who were very close to me, without warning, without a chance to say goodbye. Death is hard. It brings us face to face with emotions we’d rather not deal with. There is a feeling of helplessness in mourning, when you realize that nothing will take the pain away. Some people find comfort in religion, believing that the deceased is enjoying some sort of eternal paradise. Sometimes people feel relieved that the suffering has ended. But when there is no evidence death will soon be knocking, it makes the emotional hurricane much more intense. About 2 years ago, my family experienced a loss that I wasnt sure how we would ever heal from. Although, time has passed, the hole in our hearts is very much still there and the circumstances still very fresh in our minds. Even when the pain still seems as fresh and new as the day it happened , life has continued. Somehow we have picked up...

Good without God

This past Thursday was the 4th of July. Nick and Maxwell went down to the annual Arlington Independence Day parade. You had the usual paradees , the Boy Scout troops, High School Cheerleaders and bands, the Elvis on motorcycles club, but this year, there was a different group in the parade,  the Metroplex Atheists. I was not there but Nick snapped a pic of one of their banners ” Millions of Americans are Patriotic without God”. Swoon. I loved it ! Most people know that I am openly non-religious.  I do not find that my beliefs go hand in hand with any religion and I have spent years searching.  That does not mean I am not spiritual, I am, just in a much different way than most.  That is a whole different story for a completely different time, this post is not necessarily about my beliefs. At the parade people cheered for the Boy Scouts! They cheered for the band kids and the cheerleaders! The Elvis riding club received a standing ovation. The Metroplex Atheists did not.  Actually, there were a few select members of the crowd heckling them, shouting mumble jumble about Jesus. WHY ?!?!? It is taught the Christians are to love thy neighbor. This goes far beyond race, gender or sexual orientation. It is not meant to exclude “those” people. Yet it does. While these hecklers were proudly boasting their Christianity , they are giving many non-believers more ammo. People who classify themselves as Gods Children acting in a way that does not align with Christian principles and teachings.  Judging another person based on their version...

TOGETHER we can do this

So a few weeks ago , I took another pretty serious hit in the health department. As usual, I was totally unprepared and completely shocked at the news. The Doctor used phrases such as “unimaginable damage” and “worst case scenario”. In true Jessika style, I remained stoic as he explained things, then as soon as I got in my car, I called Nick, hysterical. There are few things in life that we take for granted more than our mobility. Our ability to walk and run are things that are natural to us, things that we never think about losing.  In one 30 minute appointment I was told that I could lose them. That one wrong move and I would be mobile, no more. I am busy 29 year old Mother of 2 little boys.  Not walking is so far out of my realm of comprehension. It is literally not something that I can imagine. For the most part, I have done alright abiding by my new rules. No lifting, no running, no sudden movements or trauma. I am waiting on my MRI and Xrays to be reviewed and decisions to be made. I finally got the nerve to call and  make a follow up appointment. As much as I know I HAVE to find out what needs to be done, I dread it at the same time. The daunting task that is recovery from the type of suggested surgery is close to my idea of hell on earth. For several months I have been saying that I was going to start Yoga. I wanted to tone up, improve my...

Completely Necessary

Some days I feel so good that I forget that Im not ok. Sometimes I am so busy that it doesnt matter. Then there are days like today when my body reminds me. Sunday I spent a few hours catching Max as he jumped off the steps in the pool. Monday I did a pretty intense deep cleaning of the house. Tuesday morning rolls around and I could barely stand up. I did stand up, I had to. The boys have to be at school and Im going to take Mom out. I already knew I had “overdone it” this weekend and that I would be sore today but I didnt realize that my body would fight back. Jacks at school, Max is at school and now its time for my XRays.  I made a very quick stop at Hellmart and off to the imaging center. I pull into the drive and hop out, Im making great time this morning. On my way to the door my legs stopped working, I cant feel them and they arent doing what I need them to.  Now, this is one of those times when you know exactly what happens next , but no matter how hard you try, you cant change it. And in slow motion, the top half of my body tumbles forward. It felt like I was falling for minutes when in reality it was a fraction of a second. Nevertheless, I landed. FLAT ON MY FACE. Physically, I am ok.  Mentally I am humiliated. No matter how many times it happens  I will never get accustomed to the embarrassment...

Someone that I used to know

When I moved back to Arlington to restart my life I landed a great job and met some pretty fantastic people. I quickly bonded with one person in particular and for the first time in YEARS I had a best friend. Historically any best friends that I have acquired have ended badly. My first killed herself and the second tried to kill me. None the less, I found someone who agreed with me on everything and we always saw eye to eye. We could read each others minds in a quick glance. She was bitter, jaded, cynical , sarcastic and fullfilled something in me I had been longing for. A few months later I met my awesome husband Nick. Coincidentally she had also just met someone. The universe had a plan at hand and somehow the love of my life hit it off with hers. We were 4 peas in a pod. Best friends dating , soon to marry, best friends. While Nick and I decided to elope, they had an elaborate wedding. One that Nick and I were front and center in the bridal party. We spent every weekend and multiple weeknights hanging out. We would fight with our partners and confide in each other, we would celebrate our accomplishments, we went thru all of lifes moments with each other. It was like a cheesy sitcom relationship. After a little while I got pregnant with Max, we didnt hang out as much but we were still very close. There marriage was having issues and Nick and I tried, as hard as we could, to play mediator. There are...

This one is for you!

I have alway been headstrong and dead set on doing what I want to do. Growing up, this caused my Mother and I to bump heads, often. We never saw things the same way and had very different ideas about what I should be doing and who I should be doing it with.  As my hormones started to kick in our relationship became volatile and I went to live with my Dad. I was the epitome of rebellious teenager. I didnt have time for school, for rules or structure. I made several bad decisions ( I have some pretty cool stories, though) that led to my Mother and I becoming even more distant. When I was 17 we went a full 6 months without speaking. When I was 18 I got engaged and moved to another town. Mom and I would talk a couple times a week and I would come out to see my family about once a month. When I was 20 I got pregnant with Jack. That was the year that EVERYTHING changed. The weekend of my 20th birthday was also Mothers Day weekend. It was decided that we would celebrate both on Sunday at Moms house. Saturday my parents took their boat out to Joe Pool Lake. This was THE day that changed our lives forever. I will not be going into specifics on this post about the accident, I want to stay on subject. I was 12 weeks pregnant and as I walked the halls of Parkland Hospital everything became blurry. I fainted.  When I came to I was in a wheelchair sitting across...

The Mountain of Steaming Hot Garbage

There are some people in my life who bring me down. They do not understand my position, do not respect it and fill my head ( and heart) with all sorts of negativity. These are people who are deeply embedded in my inner circle and there is no real way to tell them to take a fucking hike without negative repercussion of some sort.  So whats a girl to do? I am a very emotionally charged individual. I find it to be an absolute truth that people will remember the way you made them feel and not anything else. With that in consideration I want it also to be said that you can never take a feeling back. Once you have made a person feel a certain way, you can not undo it. I want to be remembered as someone who helped others feel good. I am dealing with a lot of bullshit health issues. Its like a constant beat down of one thing right after another. This is the time in my life when I need the people around me to help build me up.  There are some people who have ( surprisingly) helped more than I would have imagined but there are others, who I really was counting on, that have fallen flat. Not so much they havent been holding my hand telling me Im going to be alright but they seem to wanna bring additional piles of steaming hot garbage into my life. These arent acquaintances that I can ignore but people who have a day to day involvement in my life. At this point, where...

Super Hero

Does it really hurt THAT bad? I am SO over hearing that. Yes it really does hurt THAT bad and it never stops, thats why it is called chronic pain. It is not like a headache and a few advil will take it away. It is never ending, non stop, all the time, worst pain you have ever felt in your life. But it is also so much more than pain. It is impossible for me to get the  amount of rest my body thinks I need. Even if I plan on sleeping for 12-14 hours , thats not enough. It takes me hours to get to sleep, tossing , turning, spasming, getting up to pee 3 or 4 or 12 times. Once I do fall asleep I only stay that way for a short period. I will most definitely be back up to use the bathroom within 2 hours. Then its back to tossing, turning, spasming and trying to convince myself I dont have to pee again. During the day I feel groggy. Most people can take a nap and be back in business. Not me. I take a nap. I want another nap. I am so tired that my brain no longer works correctly. I often find myself saying things that make no sense because I cant remember the words I want to say. Luckily, I spend most of my time with a 2 year old and he doesnt notice cognitive slip ups. When its time to eat I have to decide if I am really hungry enough to fight my stomach over keeping it down. Dont...

The Universes Practical Joke

This week has been a real bitch. Its been a roller coaster of emotions , one that hit me completely unprepared. Monday was actually ok. Just typical early week stuff. I was well aware that Tuesday would tug my heart strings. Maxwell started Mothers Day Out and I was a complete mess. He rocked it ! No tears, no fears, didnt even tell me Bye Bye ! I, on the other hand, had a hard time leaving him there. I did leave  and let him spend the day playing with his new friends and the amazing Ms Kelly. I had the nagging feeling that I have known Ms Kelly at some point growing up but I couldnt place it. Upon my return she hit me with a question that literally had my jaw hit the floor. I dont often find myself talking about Cheri. Even though its been 16 years it is still a very dark part of my life that I dont venture back to without good reason. Here I was standing in front of my sons new teacher in tears feeling the rush of sorrow that I have  tried to avoid every day of my life since I was 13. Im sure it was obvious to her that she struck a nerve with what she thought was an innocent question and she very quickly changed the subject. I do appreciate her being so attentive to my emotions but it was too late. I had already been whisked away into the cold, dark place filled with despair and loneliness. Max and I loaded up and went to pick...

The Coolest Kid in School

For the longest time Nick and I have talked about enrolling Maxwell in Mothers Day Out. Well, tomorrow is his first day! When we went to the church last week to get him registered he had mixed emotions. Initially he was not at all interested in the teacher of the director but once he saw the toys he didnt want to leave. I feel confident that this will not be a difficult transition for him, I think he will do really well. But what about me? For more than 2 years now it has been my main purpose to care for, nurture and teach Maxwell. He and I spend 97% of our time together and have pretty much been inseparable since be was born. I have been shocked at the wave of emotions this has caused. I mean, its only 2 days a week, he isnt going off to college in another town. At first, I was very excited, this will be a great break for me and it will give him the opportunity to socialize with kids his own age. I can do the grocery shopping , write my articles, get a mani/pedi, whatever I want without having to coerce him into cooperating. Then, I started to feel guilty. I have always felt sympathy for working Mothers, I would hate having to drop my kid off at daycare everyday for someone, who I dont know all that well, to care for my child. And now I am making the choice to do that…. Sort of. Maxwell will be in “school” two days a week for 5 hours each...

Frozen in time

This weekend Nick made me do something that I have been avoiding for a very long time. We went out to Moore Memorial Gardens. It has been almost 2 years since I was there last and really, I had not intentions of going back. I have been visiting the cemetery for 14 years, since Cheri passed. It used to be a place of solitude for me. Somewhere I could go and get my mind right, cleanse my mind and spirit. I stopped at Cheri’s headstone, had a moment of silence , then moved on. As I approached the next stop on this cemetery tour I could feel something rising from my stomach into my throat. With every step I took my chest got tighter and breathing became more difficult. I wanted to turn and run back to the car but I knew that wasnt an option. Nick did not bring me this far to let me run away. After I had done what I was there to do , Nick, Max and I walked around and looked at some of the more elaborate vaults and headstones. Some people really drop some serious cash on their afterlife presentation! As we leisurely walked around I couldnt help but wonder if it would ever get any easier. I know that its just a rock marking a very expensive hole in the ground. I do not believe that anyone is there , there are no spiritual remains present- at least not there at the cemetery. So why was the very thought of going there enough to bring me to the brink of an...

R.I.P. Big Boy

Today is a sad day for us. My parents are having to put their German Shepard / Rot mix down. Big Boy is only 6 years old but he suffers from severe hip dysplasia and can no longer use his back legs. It has been heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate. He still has so much love to give but the pain he is in has destroyed his quality of life. Last night I took the boys over to say their goodbyes. Max is too young to understand what is going on but Jack knows. This is the first time that Jackson will experience the sadness of losing an animal.  Watching him cry and seeing the hurt he is feeling has been so hard as a parent. I tried to explain to him that Big Boy will be better off and that he hurts so bad he cant have fun anymore, but nothing I say will make it any easier. Pets are so much a part of the family that when one passes it is the same as losing a family member. We have been very fortunate to have Big Boy, he has been a wonderful protector and an amazing friend.  It is upsetting that his life was cut short by this horrible condition. Big Boy will always have a special place in our hearts and we have so many happy memories of the time we spent...

A nasty case of the ickies

I keep hearing how this is the worst flu season ever and there are so many sick people its a national emergency. Now, generally I dont pay much attention to that because if my family isnt sick I dont care. But this year  – yes , year, as in the last 30 days, we have been sick twice ! Both of the boys had their annual flu shots but it did no good. Jack got sick and his fever sky rocketed to 104.2, a few days into Jacks flu fit Max came down with it , his fever also very high, followed by me. I managed to get my boys and myself well , we avoided Nick getting sick and were back on track . The following week here we are again with the nastiness – runny nose, coughing, gastric dysfunction. Most people that know me know that I am a germaphobe and by most peoples standards I am “overly clean”. So how is it that BOTH of my vaccinated children got sick ?? I have gone threw more Lysol in 3 weeks than I have in 3 months ! I finally have accepted that no matter how much I sanitize, how hard I try to disinfect, the germs are everywhere. I have preached the power of hand washing to Jack until I am blue in the face but the reality of it is 8 year old boys do not have any desire to be clean. Whats a OCD Momma to do ? I have long been skeptical of the flu vaccine and I most definitely do not enjoy...

SwellMax James

  I cant believe I am typing this out but Maxwell will be 2 years old in less than 3 weeks ! Maxwell is my 2nd born son. He is the baby of our family and the most amazing toddler I have ever met. I might be a bit partial though….. I know that every other Mother goes threw these emotions as their children start growing up , but its much different with Max than it was with Jack (8).  When Nick and I decided to get married we knew that we needed to start] trying to get pregnant immediately. When we married he was already 29. I had my IUD birth control removed in June and we headed to Vegas to tie the knot in August. Honestly I was nervous that I would have gotten pregnant before our nuptials, I have always heard that you are super fertile right after coming off of birth control. I was not and as it would turn out, would not before quite sometime. Every month I was convinced I was pregnant. After all I had tracked my ovulation and body temperature. We had done it in every get pregnant position I could find, why wouldn’t I be?  We had even named the to be created baby – ” Baby X”. Negative. Negative. Every month it was Negative. It didn’t make any sense. I was doing everything I was told to do. After several months of trying with no results we decided to see a fertility specialist. The specialist assured us that everything was fine, neither of us had any issues, but couldnt tell...

Lazy Susan

The last few months I have seen some social media posts from someone I will call Lazy Susan asking for help. She doesnt have money for gas, for groceries, for medical supplies, etc. Being the generous person I am, I offered assistance.  What I found was that my help did provide immediate resolution for Lazy Susan but the next month the problem was back again. As much as I love to help people I am not willing to take  on another household. So I tried to offer Lazy Susan a more permanent solution. It was not well received. In fact, she ignored me. As you can imagine I was insulted by this.  It is , without doubt, much easier to ask people for money than it is to put in the effort to provide for yourself but people will get frustrated with begging quickly. I can not imagine being in a position where I could not provide for my family. Having to beg and borrow every month just to have food would be humiliating and depressing.  I understand that times are hard but there are opportunities available to boost your income. I am not referring to welfare or state sponsored programs. I am talking about actual , legitimate business prospects. There is one venture  in particular where you can make an unlimited amount of money – all you have to do is dedicate yourself to the program. I encourage everyone I know from Lazy Susan, to Stay at Home Moms, to Small Business Owners to check out this awesome opportunity to increase your cash flow. Start Making Money Now...

Senior Citizen Shuffle

I woke up this morning at 3am and could not go back to sleep. I got up and did the Senior Citizen Shuffle to the coffee pot , then off to the shower. About an hour after waking up my muscles and joints start to loosen up and I can begin to move around.  Its been 18 months since I had the MRI And CT scan that led to the diagnosis of Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Spine Disease and Osteo Arthritis. In those 18 months I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about how your spine works or in my case, how it does not. I have seen 8 Doctors and Surgeons and have had 6 Epidural Steroid Injections directly into my spine. The pain I am in every day is not a pain that I could have ever imagined, its a constant, burning, stinging, shooting, throbbing, excruciating, never ending pain. I see a Pain Management Doctor once a month who has put me on several medications that “control” the pain. I use the word “control” very loosely here. The meds do not take the pain away, the merely lessen it to a point where I can actually get out of bed and function. I get up every morning , do the Senior Citizen Shuffle to the coffee pot, to the shower , then I wake up my boys and spend the rest of the day being Mommy. Being Mommy is more of a motivator than any medication. I cant let my boys know how bad it hurts, how much I want to curl up in the...

God and Guns

In the wake of the horrible tragedy that occurred last week in Connecticut I have heard many people say that this would have never happened if God was allowed in school. To me, this is ludacris. There are so many things wrong with this statement that my head is spinning trying to figure out where to start. I asked someone why they thought this and was told that God didnt protect the children because prayer has been banned in public school. Really? So because the school districts have chosen not to discriminate against non Christian families and honor the First Amendment by keeping Church and State separated God allowed a man to slaughter 20 small children? As you can imagine, that didnt go over well. Somehow because I was questioning this stance I became a “bad guy”.  Im ok with that. I know that I am not a “bad guy”. My heart was broken right along with everyone elses when we learned that something so vile and horrendous had happened. This incident took place in a gun free zone. Along with God, guns are also not allowed in school. So my next question is – If the monster that did this took a gun into a gun free zone WHY would one think he wouldnt have done it if prayer were allowed? Clearly he didnt have any concern over what laws he was breaking. He broke both laws defined by man and laws defined by morals. Although Christianity is the dominant religion in the US it is not the official religion. The United States was actually founded by people...