Happy Holidays??

Happy Holidays??

Today is Wednesday December 2. That means that Thanksgiving has wrapped up and the Christmas noose is tightening. The decorations are up, the shopping is done, so it’s pretty much smooth sailing from this point, right? WRONG! The annual Thanksgiving festivities proved to be more than I could handle. Bouncing around from house to house,  making sure that everyone was graced with our presence and no one was left out. I tried my hardest to find a balance and it cost me dearly. Around 10pm on Friday I started trembling, my body’s clear signal that I have overdone it and need to stop. I didnt listen, so Saturday, Sunday and Monday were spent in a pain induced catatonic state. 3 days! It took me 3 full days to recover from the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving. With Christmas fast approaching I have to come up with a better solution. I can not sacrifice my body in an attempt to please everyone, again. I can not bounce around from house to house, visiting with the massive extended family that I have. I am in a fragile state, I can not keep up. Everyone in my life knows this. So why do they expect so much when it comes to holidays? *I am not blaming anyone but myself for the hot ass mess that was Thanksgiving. I know my body, I should have listened. Could’a, should’a, would’a…. So with only 22 days left till the Christmas celebration kickoff, I have to formulate a plan to keep me moving, to keep me sane, and most importantly, to keep the pain at a...
Another Scar With A Story

Another Scar With A Story

” Am I loud and clear? Or do I gotta scream like I did every day when I was a troubled teen, huh? Do you want to know my past and see every single scar and know what they mean, huh?” I listened to this song about 368 times this week. Each time t gives me goosebumps and tears well up in my eyes. I dont know what it is about THAT song but it hits hard. The last few weeks have been filled with good days , bad days and worse days. Mom is improving, this I am grateful for. She seems to have no physical damage, just mental. You can understand about 20% of what she says, the rest is just garbled up words with no meaning. She will be moving to a facility that treats and rehabs brain trauma. FUCKING BRAIN TRAUMA. Whoa. I am still not convinced that this isnt some sort of horrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from. Even though we are in Texas, it is still winter. The chilly 20-45* days are my nemesis.  The pain that I was so convinced was gone has returned from its short vacation and my recently acquired, brand new, shiny, steel spine has been very vocal about its dislike of this cold weather. Imagine having a frozen flagpole shoved up your ass to your shoulder blades. As Moms recovery continues to progress, the family has still been by her side. I mentioned before that I was in no way, shape or form, prepared to lose her but I also wasnt prepared for what this...
This one is for you!

This one is for you!

I have alway been headstrong and dead set on doing what I want to do. Growing up, this caused my Mother and I to bump heads, often. We never saw things the same way and had very different ideas about what I should be doing and who I should be doing it with.  As my hormones started to kick in our relationship became volatile and I went to live with my Dad. I was the epitome of rebellious teenager. I didnt have time for school, for rules or structure. I made several bad decisions ( I have some pretty cool stories, though) that led to my Mother and I becoming even more distant. When I was 17 we went a full 6 months without speaking. When I was 18 I got engaged and moved to another town. Mom and I would talk a couple times a week and I would come out to see my family about once a month. When I was 20 I got pregnant with Jack. That was the year that EVERYTHING changed. The weekend of my 20th birthday was also Mothers Day weekend. It was decided that we would celebrate both on Sunday at Moms house. Saturday my parents took their boat out to Joe Pool Lake. This was THE day that changed our lives forever. I will not be going into specifics on this post about the accident, I want to stay on subject. I was 12 weeks pregnant and as I walked the halls of Parkland Hospital everything became blurry. I fainted.  When I came to I was in a wheelchair sitting across...
The Coolest Kid in School

The Coolest Kid in School

For the longest time Nick and I have talked about enrolling Maxwell in Mothers Day Out. Well, tomorrow is his first day! When we went to the church last week to get him registered he had mixed emotions. Initially he was not at all interested in the teacher of the director but once he saw the toys he didnt want to leave. I feel confident that this will not be a difficult transition for him, I think he will do really well. But what about me? For more than 2 years now it has been my main purpose to care for, nurture and teach Maxwell. He and I spend 97% of our time together and have pretty much been inseparable since be was born. I have been shocked at the wave of emotions this has caused. I mean, its only 2 days a week, he isnt going off to college in another town. At first, I was very excited, this will be a great break for me and it will give him the opportunity to socialize with kids his own age. I can do the grocery shopping , write my articles, get a mani/pedi, whatever I want without having to coerce him into cooperating. Then, I started to feel guilty. I have always felt sympathy for working Mothers, I would hate having to drop my kid off at daycare everyday for someone, who I dont know all that well, to care for my child. And now I am making the choice to do that…. Sort of. Maxwell will be in “school” two days a week for 5 hours each...
Frozen in time

Frozen in time

This weekend Nick made me do something that I have been avoiding for a very long time. We went out to Moore Memorial Gardens. It has been almost 2 years since I was there last and really, I had not intentions of going back. I have been visiting the cemetery for 14 years, since Cheri passed. It used to be a place of solitude for me. Somewhere I could go and get my mind right, cleanse my mind and spirit. I stopped at Cheri’s headstone, had a moment of silence , then moved on. As I approached the next stop on this cemetery tour I could feel something rising from my stomach into my throat. With every step I took my chest got tighter and breathing became more difficult. I wanted to turn and run back to the car but I knew that wasnt an option. Nick did not bring me this far to let me run away. After I had done what I was there to do , Nick, Max and I walked around and looked at some of the more elaborate vaults and headstones. Some people really drop some serious cash on their afterlife presentation! As we leisurely walked around I couldnt help but wonder if it would ever get any easier. I know that its just a rock marking a very expensive hole in the ground. I do not believe that anyone is there , there are no spiritual remains present- at least not there at the cemetery. So why was the very thought of going there enough to bring me to the brink of an...
R.I.P. Big Boy

R.I.P. Big Boy

Today is a sad day for us. My parents are having to put their German Shepard / Rot mix down. Big Boy is only 6 years old but he suffers from severe hip dysplasia and can no longer use his back legs. It has been heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate. He still has so much love to give but the pain he is in has destroyed his quality of life. Last night I took the boys over to say their goodbyes. Max is too young to understand what is going on but Jack knows. This is the first time that Jackson will experience the sadness of losing an animal.  Watching him cry and seeing the hurt he is feeling has been so hard as a parent. I tried to explain to him that Big Boy will be better off and that he hurts so bad he cant have fun anymore, but nothing I say will make it any easier. Pets are so much a part of the family that when one passes it is the same as losing a family member. We have been very fortunate to have Big Boy, he has been a wonderful protector and an amazing friend.  It is upsetting that his life was cut short by this horrible condition. Big Boy will always have a special place in our hearts and we have so many happy memories of the time we spent...