When You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going

When You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going

After my last post I was bombarded with questions about how/why my surgery failed. Why I am not “all fixed up” and ready to rock’n’roll. Instead of taking up 3/4 of someones facebook feed I decided this might be he more appropriate forum. I had spinal fusion surgery on 11/18. The surgery was to be the fusion + additional hardware to stabilize the renegade vertebrae. My nerves were too brittle to accommodate the cage so it was eliminated.  Even though it was never actually installed the nerves were all sorts of pissed off. The first 48 hours after surgery, I was convinced I had died and gone to hell. I had not died but I was definitely in hell. Ive heard the song “Heaven Is A Place On Earth” well, so is hell. Much like the hell you are taught in church – you want to avoid it like the bubonic plague.  Funny thing – I have been in pain management treatment for 3 years so I am on scary high doses of pain meds. Not a single Dr ever bothered to mention that cause of my body’s tolerance to these pain meds, the drugs the hospital would offer, would be as effective as water. I made it through the first 48 hours. I lived to tell the tale. I feel like I accomplished something most mortals can not. There was enough going outside of my little bubble of pain that required my attention and it kept me focused on getting up and out of bed. I just want to send a big Thank You to everyone who showed their...
Never Pet The Sweaty Sh!t

Never Pet The Sweaty Sh!t

I have been a really blag Blogger. My last post was like 2 months ago. If you look to this blog to stay up to date on the fun filled life of Jessika Carpenter – you’ve been missing a LOT! Back in November, I wrote a blog about how my life was going to change. I would have a rekindled love and new lease on life. I was going to have a surgery that was the end all , be all cure and everything would be gravy after I recovered. Ha ha ha ha. WRONG. The surgery happened, the recovery happened but the cure has not.  Its funny – every time I have another surgery, I always tell myself this is THE one. It never is. It possibly might never be. A few days before surgery life threw me a curveball and tortured me with the notion that I might lose my Mom. Lose, as in, like, die. She didnt but it was a close call. Fast forward past several weeks of inconceivable pain, both physically and mentally, a little further, past Christmas. Lets stop here. By the time we were wrapping up 2013 and ringing in 2014, things had been up, down, up higher, down lower and had finally leveled off somewhere in the middle.  We had adapted our life around the given circumstances. There had been so many twists and turns on this emotional roller coaster that all of us were completely drained. I say we were, we still are, but anyway, we had learned to lean on each other, none of us could have made it...
A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

The last 30 days of my life have proven to be the most difficult.  When it rains, it pours and the second week of November brought about a monsoon! I totally bombed the wedding I officiated, my Mother in Law was in a terrible car accident, I was wrestling with the surgery that was fast approaching and then, on November 13, something more horrific than anything I could ever have imagined happened. A blood clot had made its way to the brain of my Mother. By the time Nick and I got to the hospital she had been intubated. My Mom, whom I had talked to just a few hours prior, was on life support. No one could tell us what was going on. The week leading up to this night had been a total train wreck. I was on the verge of a complete meltdown and now, here I was, standing in the ER trying to wrap my head around what was going on. I was convinced that this was it. I would never see, hear, speak to my Mom again. This was the end and there was nothing I could do. At no point had I ever put any serious thought into what it would be like when I lost my parents. I cant say that I know anyone who has. The initial thought of it is nauseating and the pain that comes from really thinking about it is indescribable. I have felt physical pain in a way that would break most people but this, this was something was on a whole new level. The CARE flight...
A 29 Year Old Wife and Mother of 2 Young Boys

A 29 Year Old Wife and Mother of 2 Young Boys

The last 2.5 years of my life have been a living hell. Every moment, of every day, requires me to pull on an inner strength I did not know existed. Waking up each morning knowing that just getting out of the bed will hurt bad enough to bring tears to my eyes. I manage to keep the floodgates closed, get dressed and do everything in my power to be the best Jessika I can. There have been close to a dozen surgeries/procedures. Each one bringing about a great deal of faith that this hellacious journey would soon be over. Only to leave me as broken inside, as out.  Hanging on to every word, from every Doctor that this next procedure would be the ONE – the one that would take the pain away. While going through all the rigmarole of bringing about some relief if was discovered that there were bigger issues than the pain at hand. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys is hard on its own. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys AND a chronic pain suffered is almost impossible. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys who suffers from chronic pain and lives under the constant threat of paralysis, that, is enough to break anyone. All the months of pain management, all of the medications, everything we have done up to this point to relieve the pain has been pointless. Before any further pain relief can even be considered my spine has to be stabilized. Listening to the Surgeon...
Mommy & Max

Mommy & Max

I have been neglecting my blog lately. I havent really been any busier than normal so Im not sure why. A lot of progress has been made since my last post. I have a consultation with a surgeon set for next week. The mental strain of realizing that I am going to have this surgery has been exhausting. Its been talked about for 2.5 years but I always thought that somehow I would be able to avoid it. I feel defeated, like I lost the battle royale. My consolation prize is the shot at a lifetime without anymore pain, so why am I bogged down with feeling like I lost? It makes no sense to me. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. The reason is not obvious most of the time, sometimes it takes years for the pieces to come together. As I lay in bed with Maxwell for our noon nap I had an A-HA! moment. Prior to his birth, I had no real pain. Being pregnant with a massive baby seems to have been what irritated, what we now know, is a congenital defect with my spine.  We spent a year trying to conceive the baby that would ultimately destroy my body. I know ALL woman say pregnancy destroys their body but mine actually did. I would gladly trade saggy boobs for being a cane totting cripple in my late 20s any day! Anyway, it was 5 months after Max was born that I had my first MRI. What followed the MRI was dozens of appointments with Doctors in all fields. Not one...
Crying over spilled soy sauce

Crying over spilled soy sauce

Yesterday was a pretty fabulous day until 7 am. I got up at 630 , had a cup of coffee and got dressed. While I was pulling my shirt on I heard the kids scream. I walked into the kitchen to find every condiment you could think of out on the tile. Bottles were broken, there was marinades, soy sauce and pickle juice aplenty. I had an 845 Doctors appointment and still had to get Jack to school and Max to Pas house. As I (quickly) attempted a clean up job I slid through the soy sauce. I caught myself before hitting the ground but managed to pull off some pretty impressive moves before I came to an abrupt stop. Ive got to keep my pace so we loaded up and headed out. I got the kids to school and the little one to Grandpa. I made my way to the office and managed to get there 13 minutes early. THAT is impressive ! While I was waiting I made my 387th attempt at Candy Crush level 201. One day, maybe one day soon, I will beat it. I found my way into the waiting area and signed in. I was there for my 1 week post op appointment. I didnt bother sitting down, I had the first appointment of the morning and didnt want to embarass myself when I had to get up.  5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. Its close to 930. As she approached me, the nurse could see I was not impressed. I have been coming to this office for more than 2...