” Am I loud and clear?
Or do I gotta scream like I did every day when I was a troubled teen, huh?
Do you want to know my past and see every single scar and know what they mean, huh?”
I listened to this song about 368 times this week. Each time t gives me goosebumps and tears well up in my eyes. I dont know what it is about THAT song but it hits hard.
The last few weeks have been filled with good days , bad days and worse days. Mom is improving, this I am grateful for. She seems to have no physical damage, just mental. You can understand about 20% of what she says, the rest is just garbled up words with no meaning. She will be moving to a facility that treats and rehabs brain trauma. FUCKING BRAIN TRAUMA. Whoa. I am still not convinced that this isnt some sort of horrible nightmare that I am going to wake up from.
Even though we are in Texas, it is still winter. The chilly 20-45* days are my nemesis. The pain that I was so convinced was gone has returned from its short vacation and my recently acquired, brand new, shiny, steel spine has been very vocal about its dislike of this cold weather. Imagine having a frozen flagpole shoved up your ass to your shoulder blades.
As Moms recovery continues to progress, the family has still been by her side. I mentioned before that I was in no way, shape or form, prepared to lose her but I also wasnt prepared for what this recovery would mean. I remind myself of the fear and sorrow that filled my heart the night this happened and it keeps me motivated to get her back to good. Pam 2.0
Mom knew EVERYONE. Every day I have people I have known my whole life and some I dont have a clue who they are, asking how we are holding up. What the fuck does that even mean?!?! Surely no one expects us to say we are doing great! Everything is rainbows and butterflies! We are making it work because we have no other option. I hear “Hang in there kid” so often it makes me want to scream. Who came up with these bullshit pretend sympathy phrases? We had a family meeting and since Pam decided to stroke out on us and is acting a little weird , we are voting her out of the family. We are now holding auditions for a new Mom. It doesnt work that way. “Stay strong”. And here I was thinking to throw the towel in and walk around in hysterics. Let my inner feelings out for a bit.
Take a deep breath. (woooo-sssaaahh). In through the nose, out through the mouth. Take one day at a time. Actually, fuck that, take on hour at a time. A LOT can change in 1 hour.
“Sometimes I don’t want to fucking wake up,
When everything tries to bring me down”
Trying to find balance in my life is impossible. I am a Mother, I am a Wife, I am a Friend, I am a chronic pain patient and now I am a concerned daughter who wants to spend as much time as possible next to my Mother. There isnt time or energy for all of these things. Everyday I am forced with the decision of who or what gets taken care of. I spend my day with Mom and the my Wifely/Motherly duties are neglected. I spend my day with the kids and I miss my Mom. As if those decisions werent enough , I have to try and sort all of this out AFTER I have to coerce myself into getting out of the bed in the morning. Jumping out of bed feet first sounds good but in reality, it is a slow roll to the my side, followed by kicking my legs until I have enough momentum to flip my hips over. Once my feet finally do hit the floor its like I am walking barefoot in hell. Rise and Shine.
“If love is a labor I’ll slave to the end”
And thats just what I am going to do. I cant do it all or be everywhere at one time. I will have to sort through my guilt and keep telling myself I am doing everything that I can. Whether or not I can see it, progress is being made god damn it! Everything that I am feeling, both physically and emotionally, will make me even stronger. In the end this will just be another scar with a story.
“I’ve been here so long,
Maybe I should runaway,
Try to find a summer day,
What is love,
Love is pain,
Love is butterflies and stomach aches,
Love is looking out a windowpane, tears dripping looking like you’re in the rain,
For someone you don’t even know but for somebody you may never see again,
I am only alive once,
And I’m a die when God wants,
So fill the sky with diamonds,
Because that’s how it’s gonna look when I’m gone”