This weekend Nick made me do something that I have been avoiding for a very long time. We went out to Moore Memorial Gardens. It has been almost 2 years since I was there last and really, I had not intentions of going back. I have been visiting the cemetery for 14 years, since Cheri passed. It used to be a place of solitude for me. Somewhere I could go and get my mind right, cleanse my mind and spirit. I stopped at Cheri’s headstone, had a moment of silence , then moved on. As I approached the next stop on this cemetery tour I could feel something rising from my stomach into my throat. With every step I took my chest got tighter and breathing became more difficult. I wanted to turn and run back to the car but I knew that wasnt an option. Nick did not bring me this far to let me run away.
After I had done what I was there to do , Nick, Max and I walked around and looked at some of the more elaborate vaults and headstones. Some people really drop some serious cash on their afterlife presentation! As we leisurely walked around I couldnt help but wonder if it would ever get any easier. I know that its just a rock marking a very expensive hole in the ground. I do not believe that anyone is there , there are no spiritual remains present- at least not there at the cemetery. So why was the very thought of going there enough to bring me to the brink of an anxiety attack? Hell if I know.
What I do know is that there is no time frame for mourning. The regrets I have for things unsaid, the sorrow from not being able to say Goodbye, these things have no expiration date. Yes it has been almost 2 years and that might seem like a significant amount of time to some people but for me, in this instance, it hasnt been enough time for me to even fully realize the permanence of it. I have always thought that I had a unique ability to handle death better than most people. At a very young age I found out how unfair and cruel death really is but I realize now that I do not. 2 years. 7 years. 14 years. So much time has passed and yet somehow, as soon as I enter through the iron gates I am whisked back into a place where my emotions are frozen in time.