After waiting for what seems like an eternity on minimal activity orders, I finally have a date for my surgery! I say surgery, procedure might be more suiting. Never the less, I have a long awaited date.
It is very strange for me to think about how it will be after the procedure. I really cant imagine NOT having this pain. Every minute, every activity, every breath for the last few years has been dictated by the white hot pain that runs through my body. Now, it will just end. It will cease to exist.
I refuse to let myself toy with the idea that this will not work. It absolutely has to. I have people around me telling me how strong I am but really, thats not true. I am not strong, I have been put in a position that I NEVER would have chosen and forced to make the best of it. I have been robbed of so many experiences and opportunities that I will never be able to relive, and there is a bitterness that comes with it. Next week, the pain will be gone, but that doesnt give me back any of the time that I’ve lost.
Someone asked me “What if this one doesnt work?” I wasnt sure how to respond. Failure is not an option here. I can not, will not, tolerate this pain for very much longer.The idea of this soul crushing pain finally meeting its match is almost too intense to understand, the idea that this will not impact the pain is definitely too much to handle. There is no way for me to explain the devastation that that would cause to someone who has never been a chronic pain sufferer.
It is very easy for people on the outside looking in to assume that the pain is only physical. With chronic pain, every fiber of your being is affected. The pain I feel mentally from my physical competency being limited is almost as bad as the physical pain. Watching my children hurt because I am hurting is far worse than any physical pain. Any chronic condition has the ability to devastate so much more than your physical being.
7 days. In 7 days I will have THE procedure. It will be THE procedure that gave me my life back. It will be THE procedure that will give my boys their Mommy back. It will be THE procedure that will eradicate the physical pain and bring a stop the the roller coaster of emotions.
There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel here. This nightmare , that has been going on for years, will soon be over. Something I had accepted as a life long curse will be lifted in just 7 days.