The last 2.5 years of my life have been a living hell. Every moment, of every day, requires me to pull on an inner strength I did not know existed. Waking up each morning knowing that just getting out of the bed will hurt bad enough to bring tears to my eyes. I manage to keep the floodgates closed, get dressed and do everything in my power to be the best Jessika I can.
There have been close to a dozen surgeries/procedures. Each one bringing about a great deal of faith that this hellacious journey would soon be over. Only to leave me as broken inside, as out. Hanging on to every word, from every Doctor that this next procedure would be the ONE – the one that would take the pain away. While going through all the rigmarole of bringing about some relief if was discovered that there were bigger issues than the pain at hand. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys is hard on its own. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys AND a chronic pain suffered is almost impossible. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys who suffers from chronic pain and lives under the constant threat of paralysis, that, is enough to break anyone.
All the months of pain management, all of the medications, everything we have done up to this point to relieve the pain has been pointless. Before any further pain relief can even be considered my spine has to be stabilized. Listening to the Surgeon explain, in great detail, exactly how he will stabilize my spine was overwhelming. Even though I have felt a pain so intense most people cant imagine , I am absolutely terrified of what I will feel after he hardware is installed. Its such a confusing mix of emotions. I am so excited – elated even, to be having everything bolted down. To secure all the loose pieces and remove the threat of paralysis. Knowing that each nerve will be combed and cleaned, bones will be grinded and filed, brackets and cages installed is just too much and a gut-wrenching fear takes place of the excitement. There is NO backing out. There is NO way I can continue living the life of an active 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys if I do not have this surgery……..
Once all the loose puzzle pieces have been reconnected the pain will ease up . Once there is a passageway opened up for the nerves the burning, stinging, throbbing, white hot lightning pain should stop. There will be a great deal of mental relief as well. Knowing that my ability to walk no longer hangs in the balance.
As I have been doing my weekly chores around the house I think to myself this will be the last time I do ____ for quite awhile. A surgery of this magnitude has a matching recovery. Im not really sure how its going to be, not being able to hold Maxwell for the next 3 months, but I do know that it is a justified sacrifice. So is everything else I have to give up. Relinquishing all of my Wife and Motherly duties so that I may allow my body to heal and rest. My OCD tendencies will have to fall by the wayside for the better good of my physical self.
Monday morning is fast approaching. I will be in recovery before I know it. Once I have been stabilized and I am released to come home, the homecoming will be one of the most tremendously joyful occasions ever. For I will know that I have left behind my darkest days and I am able to start enjoying all of the gifts life has given me.
I can see the light at the end of tunnel. Even though I am unable to imagine what life will be like without the pain , I know that it will be wonderful. It will no longer be an exhausting battle to be all the Jessika I can be. Being a 29 year old Wife and Mother of 2 young boys will be as joyous as it should be. The constant fight to keep going will be replaced with giggles and grins. I will finally be able to live my life again. I will be a 29 year old Wife and Mother who is in love with her new lease on life.