Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Disaster

Today is Tuesday the 23rd day of December 2014. This morning I read several of my blog posts from last year. Whoa! I have to say, at this point last year, I was at my lowest. Hopeless, scared, facing uncertainty. I did what was required, buckled up and braced myself for the wild ride ahead. The journey has been the most effectual of my life. As my body was at the pinnacle of pain my mind was clear and calm. I can now say that I know peace. That doesnt mean Im cool, calm and collected 100% of the time, Im the Mother of 2 boys, I am entitled to a few freak out moments.

In the last 12 months I have witnessed a true miracle. My Mother, whom was at deaths door, has made an astonishing recovery. There is no explanation of how or why she has come so far, there doesnt need to be. To be told that the person you know and love is never going to return but does, is such an amazing experience, no explanation is needed. She still sees a speech therapist twice a week but Pam is back! You can find her in full makeup with her hair and nails done, shopping it up, as she always has done. PamV2.0.

On 11/28 I underwent another spinal fusion surgery. It was the last surgery in a trio that took place over a 6 week period. Last week, I got to see my post-op Xrays for the first time. It is almost unbelievable that a person could have that much metal in their body. Im not sure how I am ever going to get through airport security, so much for my Trusted Traveler status with TSA. As I sit, right now, I carry about $20,000 worth of metal rods, screws, braces and other miscellaneous appliances. From L4 all the way down to my Sacrum, you will find a medley of shiny silver pieces, all working together to hold my spine in place. Im well on my way to becoming a cyborg and thats pretty cool (so says my 10 year old).

It is far too early to officially say the surgery was successful.  I feel better and Ive been told I look better, so for now, Im going to say it was. Part of finding peace was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be “normal” again. There is no Doctor, surgery or little magic pill that will give me back what has been taken from me. During the quest to find the solution I put my body through a barrage of “treatments” that have permanently left their mark. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I was game for anything that any Doctor told me might help. Being naive to the reality of my situation left me disappointed and hopeless. The scars left serve as a permanent reminder. The truth is – I will never feel the same again. I will always have issues with being stiff and sore and I will most likely always have residual pain.

The last year has been a roller coaster, ups, downs and loopdy loops. I felt things I never have before, some I never want to again. I learned to love, truly and unconditionally, with my whole heart. I realized that that even when things arent going as I had planned that you can still live in the moment and enjoy what is happening around you. Everyday cant be your best day BUT you can find the best in everyday.  As hard as it may be at times, I want to be an active participant and not a bystander watching as the beautiful disaster that is life plays out around me.