High On Hope

High On Hope

Its been 4 months since I last updated my blog. I would love to say that I have been extremely busy chasing rainbows and butterflies atop a unicorn that farts glitter, that everything is peachy perfect. That post may be on the horizon but not at this time. Over the last few months my health has continued to decline, every day is worse than the one before it. I spend most of my day going back and forth between my bed and my recliner. I dont get out of the house much, when I do I am totally and completely depleted of energy. It is something my Doctors refer to as Adrenal Fatigue. I get about 2 hours in the morning where I can actually be somewhat productive and function, the rest of the day is spent trying to recover. There have been a few instances recently when I was sure that I was at the end of the rope. That the pain, the exhaustion, the emotional baggage had finally gotten the upper hand and I would surely crumble under the immense weight of it all but I didnt.

After months of appointments with absolutely no solutions, I made the decision to discontinue treatment from the surgeon who performed my fusion surgery. It was clear to everyone that something had gone horribly wrong but he refused to acknowledge that and insisted we continue to wait. I really didnt understand what it is we were waiting on until I received a letter in the mail advising that he was closing his practice as a surgeon, relocating and merging with a holistic based practice. The gut feeling I had, had not steered me wrong. It took numerous phone calls, multiple office visits and several weeks before I was able to obtain copies of my records from his office. What I was given was vague, unspecific, documents lacking extremely important details and images. With no energy to spare continuing to press the office for my complete records I decided enough to seek out someone else to treat me.

Within the last few weeks I have started treatment with a new surgeon.  He came highly recommended and I as I started to do my own research I could see why. Dr Peloza has been the recipient of many awards in the field of medicine. He has been recognized as the best Surgeon, not only in Dallas but the US several years in a row. Walking through his office, the walls were adorned with testimonials. There were celebrities, athletes, politicians, people of stature within the community and people just like me. To see stories so similar to mine with happy endings almost seemed like a dream. I have been at such a low point for so long that I had pretty much lost all hope that things would ever improve, that I would ever get better. Yet here I was, surrounded by success stories. When you are at the bottom, on the brink of giving up, there are no words to describe what difference a small amount of hope will make.

As of today there is very little planned out. I will check in at 8:30am on Monday for a myelogram/spinal tap procedure. Based on my most recent CT scan images we do know that the fusion hardware was installed incorrectly, the bone grafts that hold the hardware in place are not there, the fusion itself never healed and the level below my fusion has collapsed. The Surgeon needs to have a better idea of what is actually going on in there with the nerves, answers that myelogram will provide. Within a few days of the images being delivered, I will be back in Dr Pelozas office to discuss what options we have as far reparative surgeries and procedures to reduce the pain.

At our consultation appointment, I sat in Dr Pelozas office in tears. Explaining to him how miserable I am, how horrible my quality of life is and how hopeless I feel, had me on the verge of a breakdown. He assured me that all hope is not lost, his confidence and tenacity were like nothing I have experienced before in regards to my particularly nasty case.

Standing before me in a white labcoat and rainbow tie was the man who will give me my life back. I can feel it. I have been apprehensive of every procedure I have had. Not once have I felt so calm, so at ease, so confident that this will be the resolution we have been desperately seeking for so long. I cant put it into words, this feeling. Its a peacefulness unlike anything I have experienced before. Even though we have yet to establish a course of action, a care plan, I believe, wholeheartedly, that this is IT.

I have so many emotions whirling around inside. So much excitement.  Even though I have not yet been “fixed” I know it is coming. I am high on hope!