I have been neglecting my blog lately. I havent really been any busier than normal so Im not sure why. A lot of progress has been made since my last post. I have a consultation with a surgeon set for next week. The mental strain of realizing that I am going to have this surgery has been exhausting. Its been talked about for 2.5 years but I always thought that somehow I would be able to avoid it. I feel defeated, like I lost the battle royale. My consolation prize is the shot at a lifetime without anymore pain, so why am I bogged down with feeling like I lost? It makes no sense to me.
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. The reason is not obvious most of the time, sometimes it takes years for the pieces to come together. As I lay in bed with Maxwell for our noon nap I had an A-HA! moment.
Prior to his birth, I had no real pain. Being pregnant with a massive baby seems to have been what irritated, what we now know, is a congenital defect with my spine. We spent a year trying to conceive the baby that would ultimately destroy my body. I know ALL woman say pregnancy destroys their body but mine actually did. I would gladly trade saggy boobs for being a cane totting cripple in my late 20s any day!
Anyway, it was 5 months after Max was born that I had my first MRI. What followed the MRI was dozens of appointments with Doctors in all fields. Not one of them able to fix me. None were able to find the right combination of medicines to relieve the pain and make me a fully functioning member of society again. Over the course of the last 2.5 years I have had to pull on every bit of strength ,I didnt even know I had, both mentally and physically. I have asked myself hundreds of times “Why me? Why now?” This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life! I am supposed to look back on these as the “good ol’ days” and enjoy every minute I have with my children because we all know they grow up too quickly. Everyday I wake up and beg the universe to help me find the strength to get out of bed and be the Mommy and Wife my family deserves.
As Maxwell and I lay snuggled under his Dallas Cowboys blanket I got IT. All of THIS is happening NOW because of HIM. He NEEDS me. Because he needs me to make 15 cups of chocolate milk a day, make sure he gets it all when he goes potty, peel his bananas and blanket him with love and affection I am motivated and driven. I cant waive the white flag and give up because he needs me to be the best Mommy I can be. Its the perfect symbiotic relationship – he can not survive without me and I need him to keep me going. The pain that has plagued me since Maxwell was born was because Maxwell was born. I needed him around to keep me going when things got tough, I surely wouldnt have made it this far without him. This was a well played hand by the Universe.
As I think about the recovery from the surgeries I am about to have, tears come to my eyes. There is no question that I have a long hard road ahead. As scary as these things appear as the are passing by me in record speed, I know that I will be ok. Maxwell has been and will continue to be the all the motivation I need. You cant have one M without the other- Mommy& Max / Maxwell&Mommy