I have been a really blag Blogger. My last post was like 2 months ago. If you look to this blog to stay up to date on the fun filled life of Jessika Carpenter – you’ve been missing a LOT!
Back in November, I wrote a blog about how my life was going to change. I would have a rekindled love and new lease on life. I was going to have a surgery that was the end all , be all cure and everything would be gravy after I recovered. Ha ha ha ha. WRONG. The surgery happened, the recovery happened but the cure has not. Its funny – every time I have another surgery, I always tell myself this is THE one. It never is. It possibly might never be. A few days before surgery life threw me a curveball and tortured me with the notion that I might lose my Mom. Lose, as in, like, die. She didnt but it was a close call.
Fast forward past several weeks of inconceivable pain, both physically and mentally, a little further, past Christmas. Lets stop here. By the time we were wrapping up 2013 and ringing in 2014, things had been up, down, up higher, down lower and had finally leveled off somewhere in the middle. We had adapted our life around the given circumstances. There had been so many twists and turns on this emotional roller coaster that all of us were completely drained. I say we were, we still are, but anyway, we had learned to lean on each other, none of us could have made it through this wild ride without the support system we had built for each other.
In times of crisis it becomes very clear, very quickly, who has your back and who is a fair weather friend. There were people who I expected to step up that didnt, there were people I thought had all but disappeared, reappear and offer a hand. Under the pressure of life altering circumstances it is hard to really see the forest for the trees. There are just too many things coming at you at a pace impossible to keep up with.
I am now 112 days post-op. Even though I had beefed this surgery up to be the cure I had desperately been seeking, it wasnt. I still wake up and have to convince myself that the day is worth getting out of bed for. I still do the senior citizen shuffle to the coffee pot. I still feel a constant pain that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I have new pain. I have numbness. I have stiffness. Physically my condition has not improved, it has done the opposite. Even though I am still searching for the solution, something, anything, to provide relief from this daily hell, I did learn to love life again.
Taking the pain away was not what I needed. The reassurance that through thick and thin I have an amazing family to support me was. I am not alone. I do not bear this burden solely. Even on the days when I feel like I just cant take it anymore, I can. The plan I laid out never came to fruition, but in this case, its not about how it happened, just that it did.
Ive learned how to love life, stress less and truly appreciate my beautiful family. Ive realized that all of the little details dont matter as much as I thought they did and life is much more enjoyable when you live in the moment.
Never sweat the petty shit and never pet the sweaty shit.